Day 31: The Awakening

I don’t like feeling scared but I like Rebecca Hall and her freckles, so. Scary film today. I decided to go all out and watch it in the dark because apparently I hate myself. Most of my notes are all capitals and swearing so I’m not sure I’ll have much to say about this one.

Florence (Rebecca Hall) is a badass hoax exposer in the ‘20s. She’s asked by a teacher (Dominic West) from a boarding school to determine whether there is a ghost at the school. Setting up all her fake-ghost-catching equipment she sets about calming the children and ridding them of their nonsense fears. But soon enough she doubts herself and begins to see things that she cannot explain.

There is actually nothing more frightening than ghost children, I don’t care what anybody says. Children scare me a bit anyway so obviously I’d be terrified of ghostly ones. And that is what we have here, a ghost child. We also have a creepy handyman type who takes an instant disliking to our Freckles. He attacks her and is about to rape her when the twisted face of the ghost appears and stops him. My notes from this moment go:  “GET OFF HER YOU ABSOLUTE WANKER OK GHOST IS REAL FUCKING FUCKER FUCK”. I screamed, I won’t lie to you.

I can’t really say much more because it’ll give too much away and while I don’t mind with other films, the whole premise of scary films is that you don’t know what’s going to happen next. It was alright as far as these films go, it had jumpy bits and I was definitely frightened.

“A life haunted isn’t a life at all. We may as well be ghosts ourselves.”

6/10

Day 30: Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Another day for Scarlett Johansson. And this time we also have Rebecca Hall and Penélope Cruz. And it’s a Woody Allen film. Spoiled, that’s what I am.

Vicky (Rebecca Hall) and Cristina (Scarlett Johansson) are spending their summer in Spain. Whilst there they meet the devastatingly charming painter, Juan Antonio (Javier Bardem) who takes an instant liking to them both and offers to take them off to a beautiful little town. Oh, and also to make love. He has quite the effect on both women (eventually) and it’s interesting to watch.

When Juan Antonio says that he wishes to sleep with both Vicky and Cristina they react a little differently. Cristina isn’t sure what she wants from life yet so is open to new experiences, while Vicky has a life plan and sleeping with a stranger isn't on it. Both agree to fly off to the town with him but only Cristina says she will sleep with him. With the delightful line, “I’ll go to your room but you’ll have to seduce me.”

Cristina is taken ill and it allows Vicky and Juan Antonio to spend time together. Despite her initial misgivings, Vicky quickly warms to him. He is so honest about his feelings about everything, it’s refreshing actually. It’s coming up again, it’s going to be a recurring feature of this blog but: they clearly enjoy spending time together and it’s lovely. He is quite taken with her even though she isn’t the creative type he seems to favour. They listen to music together and are both moved which goes some way in explaining why Vicky drops her guard and gives in to her feelings for him.

They return and Juan Antonio goes off with Cristina. Vicky isn’t sure what to make of it, her life seemed simple to her before: marry Doug, get a big house, live practically. But now it’s all changed and she can’t stop thinking about this impulsive man. Meanwhile, Cristina moves in with Juan Antonio and eventually his ex wife, Maria Elena (Penélope Cruz). While awkward at first they all realise they complement each other nicely and their relationship evolves to include the three of them.

Having more than two people in a relationship has always interested me. Can you find everything you need or want in just one person? I don’t know what the average number of relationships people have in their lives is but each person must have given you something a little different to the last. So why not have more than one other person in a relationship at a time? Perhaps people would be happier that way, relationships might last longer and there might be fewer instances of cheating. I don’t know, it just seems to make sense to have more than just two people in a relationship.

The intensity of Penélope Cruz is wonderful. And I just love the spontaneity all throughout the film and that everyone is so honest about their feelings.

8/10

Day 29: Spirited Away

Chihiro and her family are moving house but along the way they take a wrong turn and end up in a strange world full of gods and spirits. Her parents unwittingly eat charmed food which turns them into pigs and it’s up to Chihiro to save them and return back to the human world.

I know we’re supposed to but I do love the relationship between Haku and Chihiro. He immediately jumps in to help her and when she’s scared he tries to comfort her. He remembers her name even when he can’t remember his own and he takes her to see her parents. She recognises that he is the dragon and tries to save him. And my favourite bit, she remembers his name for him. Such a sweet moment. When she finally gets to leave, Haku tells her she can’t look back but you can see she almost does at one point. And I loved that so much.

The huge baby scared me, I won’t lie. And when it said it was going to break her arm unless she played with him my fears were clearly correct. He was much better as the rat. The jumping heads were quite possibly my favourite thing.

Thoroughly enjoyed it, will watch many times.

9/10

Day 28: Matilda

Unloved by her family and not allowed to go to school which means she can’t make any friends, Matilda (Mara Wilson) seeks comfort in books. Along with being exceptionally bright she also discovers that she can move things with her mind. Eventually getting to go to school, she makes friends and is cared for by her teacher, Miss Honey (Embeth Davidtz).

It always make me so sad watching this film just because of how Matilda is treated by the people who are supposed to be the kindest. And she doesn’t become a bad person because of it, I love that. She uses her powers to help people and she is just a lovely person. It’s great to see that even when bad things happen, some people don’t let it turn them into the darker version of themselves. Even when it’s so easy. She throws herself into reading and it provides her with the escape she needs from her young life. “These books gave Matilda a comforting message: You are not alone.”

Miss Honey! My first ever crush and I’m still smitten with her every time I watch the film. She overcomes her feelings of inferiority in front of Miss Trunchbull and stands up for Matilda even when it’s terrifying. When Matilda tells her that she can move things with her mind, she doesn’t react badly, she is accepting of what Matilda believes she can do. And at every opportunity she makes Matilda feel cared for. How can you not love her? “You were born into a family that doesn’t always appreciate you but one day things are going to be very different.” What a great thing that would be to hear if you were having a horrible time at home.

Eventually she adopts Matilda and they both get to be happy with each other. It’s such a great film, it just feels like a hug.

8/10

Day 27: Sliding Doors

Helen (Gwyneth Paltrow) is sacked from her job at a PR firm and is heading home. She tries to catch the tube but she just misses it. But what if she had caught it? The rest of the film follows the parallel lives of Helen, one where she missed the train and one where she caught it.

The Helen who misses her train then gets mugged and has to go to hospital. Because of this she misses out on catching her boyfriend (who will only be known as Cheating Bastard) cheating on her. He goes into loving boyfriend mode when he sees she’s hurt and he tries to comfort her by taking her out to enjoy herself. Because the Cheating Bastard is writing a book, he can’t work so she has to pay for everything. And because she just lost her job it means she has to get a job as a waitress. While he doesn’t seem happy about what he’s putting her through, he’s also not ending the affair or coming clean to her. To quote my notes: “Cheating Bastard, you are such a bastard.”

The Helen who catches the train gets to experience John Hannah at his amusing best. Although he is a bit of a pest he does make an impression. She catches the Cheating Bastard shagging his ex and storms out, gets plastered (bumps into John Hannah again), then ends up at her friend’s house. Helen and James (John Hannah) strike up quite a bond and he gives her the courage she needs to start up her own business. She moves on from Gerry and is happy with James.

Tying the timelines together again, both Helens have accidents. One falls down the stairs and another is hit by a van. Both were pregnant at the time and both lose their babies as a result of their injuries. The Helen that was with James dies and it is awful. I can’t take sad John Hannah (be it here or when he’s quoting W.H. Auden) and he just breaks my wee heart. The other Helen survives, leaves Gerry, then meets the James from her timeline in the lift. I like to pretend they are happy together. It’s really the only comfort at the end of the film.

I really love the idea that a whole parallel timeline can splinter off based upon a direction you chose to not go down. If I’d gone to uni when I first applied, how different would my life be now? I’d not have met the people I did at uni, and I wouldn’t work where I work now so I wouldn’t have met any of those people either. That’s so strange to think about; all those people that I see/speak to regularly I might never have even known existed. And to look at it another way, there are so many people I would’ve met had I gone to uni back then that I don’t know exist. I really wish I could see the consequences of any action (or inaction, even) rather than just imagining all the possible consequences myself. It would make it a lot easier to do things. Rather than what I do now, which is to worry myself into paralysis.

“It’s Helen, actually. We met once. I interrupted you faking your orgasm. Sorry I can’t be more specific.”

8/10

Day 26: Lost In Translation

You know when you’re having a bad day and you just want to watch a film with Scarlett Johansson in it because you know it’s going to make you feel better regardless of how shallow and potentially creepy that might be? But you’ve lost your copy of Lost In Translation and for some reason it’s not on Netflix anymore? But then you check SkyGo and it’s available but you have to pay for it? And you decide you’ll pay for it anyway because your day is just so bad? Yeah.

Bob (Bill Murray) is an ageing film star who is in Tokyo starring in an advert when he meets Charlotte, who is accompanying her husband on a photo shoot. Both are dissatisfied with how their lives are and both are questioning how the future will turn out.

Charlotte is clearly unhappy; her husband is busy and seems to be rushing off from her in any chance he can get (mad man!) while she is left to amuse herself. Which she seems alright with some of the time as she does stumble across interesting things while exploring. But mostly she just seems sad. She phones her friend in an attempt to connect but her friend doesn’t have the time for her and she’s left again. She’s not sure what she wants to be in life and says she feels stuck.

Bob’s marriage and his fading from film are the main problems for him. Clearly he is only starring in this advert because he has no other opportunities; you can see he is massively uncomfortable at every point when trying to shoot it. His wife doesn’t seem to care about him anymore (judging from their phone calls) and it sounds like they don’t know how to talk to each other. He says that in the beginning they used to have fun together, which he is now re-experiencing with Charlotte.

They both have trouble sleeping and so spend time together. A pattern I’ve been noticing is that I seem to like when people just enjoying being with each other. They don’t have to be doing anything particularly fantastic, they just feel comfortable and content in the moment that they are together. Oh, I also appear to love how people look at each other. Charlotte’s face instantly warms when she spots Bob and he always looks so much more relaxed when he sees her. They spend a lot of time just looking at the other and so obviously I was pleased. Towards the end they are lying in the same bed and through talking they seem to be able to get the sleep that they couldn’t get alone.

It’s time for him to leave and they both don’t want it to happen. They say bye but it’s not really how either of them wanted it and you can see he’s disappointed. On the way to the airport he spots her walking in a crowd and he jumps out of the car to catch up with her. He whispers something to her and they kiss. Then they go their separate ways and they’ll probably never see each other again but they’ve got the memory of the time they spent together and they’re both a little different as a result.

8/10

Day 25: Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

There’s a mole in the British Intelligence and Gary Oldman has been tasked with finding them. Who could it be? Who could it be? Who gives a buggery who it is? I certainly don’t.

How can a film about spies be so boring? I mean, just so slow, no excitement or interest whatsoever. I’ll admit I’m not in the best place today to be watching a film (considering I spent most of the film crying about how much pain I’m in) but I’m sure I’d have found it dull regardless. Gary Oldman, who I usually love, was utterly lifeless. And it wasn’t a he’s-working-it-out-all-cool-like lifeless, it was are-you-even-awake-you’re-not-are-you lifeless. Ugh.

Too much pain, I can’t write. Suffice it to say, massively disappointed. To all of you who recommended this to me saying I'd love it, I'm going to take from that you mean I'm hopelessly dull.

4/10

Day 24: Walk the Line

The film follows the life of Johnny Cash as he makes it as a musician, falls in love, makes a lot of mistakes and then gets back on track. Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon were wonderful here. They had so much chemistry and their voices weren’t half bad either. Watching this film I realised I know little to nothing about Johnny Cash and that’s a damn shame.

While I understand we’re all wanting Johnny and June to be together, it must have been horrible to be Vivian. She had to sit by while he was in love with someone else. And so clearly in love with someone else. Yeah, she wasn’t all that supportive but you can see the sense in that, he was away all the time on tours and she was left to look after the children. Apparently (according to that ol’ bastion of knowledge, Wikipedia) they had only dated for 3 weeks before he was off for 3 years in the Air Force. During the time he was gone they sent hundreds of love letters and when he came back they got married. That’s such a brilliant story. He probably did love her but then with June he had something else, something that seemed to bring him alive.

I’d be interested in watching a film about June because her part in all of this was so important. Like I said, I think she brought Cash alive and she cares for him throughout despite how painful it is for her sometimes. When he falls in the lake she jumps right in after him. She keeps him safe while he goes through withdrawal. That scene when he wakes up and she hands him the raspberries was just beautiful. He looked so happy that she had stayed with him and took care of him when he needed it.

And I love the way she looks at him. So much love and pain in her eyes. And when he’s singing in the prison she just looks so proud of him. Looks are important, y’know? You can hide so much in words but it’s so hard to hide your feelings in a look. While writing this I’ve been listening to/watching some Johnny Cash songs and videos, to get the feel of it. The way they’re looking at each other in the videos... I can’t stand it, it’s wonderful.

8/10

Day 23: Love and Death

Napolean is invading Russia which means Boris (Woody Allen) has to join the army. That puts a bit of a dent in his plans, being that he is a pacifist and useless with weapons. He just wants to marry Sonja (Diane Keaton) and preferably live out his life without any murdering. He miraculously survives the battles unscathed and eventually marries Sonja. However, he can’t escape the murdering as she decides they should kill Napolean.

After his return from battle, Boris meets a lovely Countess and disgraces her honour, according to her lover. So, naturally, they must duel. Before he duels, Boris wants to marry Sonja. He's loved her since they were children and he wants her to promise. She promises that she will marry him if he survives the duel, believing that he couldn’t beat the Countess' lover. He does, however, and she has to marry him. She’s worried she’ll feel suffocated and trapped. I’ve always thought about that when I’ve thought about marriage. It seems insane to stay with one person forever, regardless of how amazing they are just now. How could you stay interested in one person forever? I mean, sure, I find people fascinating and I’m constantly surprised by the things they do but to make a commitment to one of them for the rest of my life seems so difficult. And how can you know what you’re going to feel for them years later? Feelings are fluid, I think. One person can be all you think about for a while and then you move on (or you don’t, that’s always less good). To say you’ll always love someone is to lie, in my opinion. You just don’t know that so how can you say it? I will grant you, it is a nice lie. But I’d much prefer people to say “I love you now” rather than “I’ll love you always”. It seems more honest.

Such a funny film. I wasn’t expecting to laugh as much as I did. Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are a wonderful duo and play off each other brilliantly. Sadly I have no time to write as much as I’d like to so I’ll have to stop here.

 “To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness - I hope you’re getting this down.”

8/10

Day 22: Driving Lessons

Today, you may be surprised to know, I was in a delightful mood. For the whole day. I know, I’m just as shocked as you are! So in order to go with my good mood I decided to watch a ‘happy’ film.

Ben (Rupert Grint) is completely under the control of his bible-bashing mother (Laura Linney). She is manipulative and a hypocrite and is stopping Ben from moving out of her shadow. He gets a job helping Evie (Julie Walters), a lonely actress, and they form quite a friendship. In his short time with her he experiences more than he has ever managed to before and finally gets to become his own person.

If I wasn’t trying to focus on the happy moments I’m sure Evie would’ve broken my wee heart. She was so lonely and eccentric. The first we see of her is when she’s swearing at her plants and I knew I was going to love her right off the bat. Ben is uncomfortable around her, however, because she is loud and says whatever she wants without regard for those around. But she encourages him in his poetry and to try and break from his family life and so he begins to care for her.

They head off for Edinburgh so that Evie can take part in a poetry recital. She is nervous, having never performed in front of anyone for a long time, and makes him promise he’ll be there for her. However, one of the women (Michelle Duncan) working at the poetry recital takes a shine to Ben and invites him out. She tries to get him to loosen up and he is just so awkward. All of my notes from the scene in the bar are along the lines of “Aw babe, I just want to cuddle you” so you can tell how uncomfortable he was. But eventually he relaxes and they end up back at hers. She says “Come here, you twit” before kissing him and it was just the cutest. Cut to the next morning and it’s after 11 and he’s missing out on Evie’s recital. She is not coping well and when he finally bursts in she is crying in front of everyone. They head back to London and she forgives him.

Finally his mother’s affair is found out and his father wants a divorce. She’ll be moving away which will give Ben the freedom he needs. He goes to see Evie and he reads a poem he has written for her and it was a sweet moment. Of course I cried, how could I not?

Good film. I love Rupert Grint’s face, it’s just perfect.

7/10

Day 21: The Science of Sleep

Stéphane (Gael García Bernal) returns to France after his father dies and gets a job making calendars. He is insecure and spends the majority of his time wrapped up in his dreams; he can behave how he wants there because he controls the show. He falls for his neighbour, Stéphanie (Charlotte Gainsbourg) but it’s never quite how he wants it to be because he doesn’t trust that she feels the same.

People quite often say that hearing about other people’s dreams is boring unless you’re in the dream. But I don’t find that at all, I love when people tell me their dreams. How could they be boring? Literally anything could happen, they are so fascinating! It’s like hearing a story and the story is linked to the speaker in ways that aren’t always clear but are interesting nonetheless. I’m going to recount my most upsetting dream here because why not, I make the rules. I’m walking down a street and there are zombies everywhere and they’re crying. Actually, ‘crying’ doesn’t really do it justice. They are sobbing and they just look devastated. I want to help them but there’s nothing I can do. They just sit there, staring at me and crying. The sound of them crying has never left me and I’ve never heard pain quite like it. And I feel like a failure because I couldn’t help them.

Stéphane often confuses dreams for reality and it appears to be becoming more problematic; he asks Stéphanie to marry him because he thinks he’s dreaming but then quickly realises and feels humiliated. Sometimes dreams can be so vivid that it’s almost like it actually happened. I hate the dreams where I love someone because it stays with me for days after and it just feels heavy. Exactly like a weight on me. While I don’t normally confuse dreams for reality, I do sometimes confuse daydreams for reality. I have quite a vivid imagination and when I get lost in thought I usually construct elaborate scenarios and conversations, then once they’re over I forget that nothing actually happened. Before I would meet with people I would try to run through every thread a conversation could take so that I could be prepared and have answers at the ready. But I try not to do that anymore because people go off script so often and it throws me off balance. And it’s so disappointing when you hoped a conversation would go one way but it steers dramatically in another direction. I still try to prepare but the script isn’t so rigid anymore.

While I wanted them to be together it obviously wouldn’t work. His inability to reliably distinguish between fantasy and reality would cause so many problems. And he is massively insecure, at every step in their relationship she would have to reassure him. That’s not fair to her at all. Even though she clearly cares for him, he has to work through that before they would have a chance of lasting.

“Things will turn out the way you want if you could just stop doubting that I love you.”

8/10

Day 20: Things We Lost In The Fire

Brian (David Duchovny) is killed trying to help a woman who is being attacked by her husband. He leaves behind his wife, Audrey (Halle Berry) and their two children. And his best friend, Jerry (Benicio Del Toro). We watch a family devastated and we watch a family absorb it.

I knew absolutely nothing about this film when I bought it, which is unusual for me. Usually I’ll read into something beforehand but I bought this film because the title sounded like poetry. I’m not sure why I then didn’t look into what it was about but maybe I just didn’t want to be disappointed. And after watching the film I can say that I am not disappointed at all. It felt raw and uncomfortable and that’s exactly what I wanted it to be.

Jerry is a heroin addict and Brian is the only one from his old life who never gave up on him. Audrey doesn’t want anything to do with him and she wants Brian not to see him either. But once Brian dies, she reaches out to him. If Brian can see the good in Jerry then she’s going to try too. Their relationship is awkward as she tries to keep him close but push him away simultaneously. It’s almost as if she feels guilty for enjoying being around him and letting him be around her children (who take to him instantly). Jerry is, at every instance, understanding and patient. He finally helps Audrey sleep again, and he helps the children cope without a father. For Jerry, he loses his only friend but he gains a family.

Much like the film yesterday, the grief isn’t shown through dramatic displays but it’s more subtle. It’s a part of their lives and they cope and help each other in different ways. Despite being quite a sad film, I saw the happy. I definitely did.

8/10

Day 19: Rabbit Hole

So I was saying today that I was going to find a film that is easy to watch and won’t make me cry, something like Jurassic Park, y’know? And then I decided no, I’ll watch a film about a couple who lose their child because apparently I’ve decided to declare war on my tear ducts. Sobs a-plenty, my oh my.

Becca (Nicole Kidman) and Howie (Aaron Eckhart) are trying to pick up the pieces of their lives after the death of their son, Danny, in a car accident 8 months prior. The reminders of Danny around the house have different effects on both of them; Becca seems to dislike all of them and wants to get rid of them, while Howie likes feeling that he is still close by. Their conflicting ways of dealing with things causes a lot of tension but eventually they’re honest about what they want to happen and you can see they’re going to go from there.

The boy who hit Danny seems to be coping remarkably well. Becca accidentally sees him on a school bus and follows him for a while until eventually talking to him. He’s very mature about the meetings he has with her, probably understanding she needs them more than he does. He is quite creative and has made his own comic book about parallel universes. I love the idea that parallel universes could exist but I think it’s more a hope than a true belief. Imagine that regret you have. I'll take a stab in the dark and assume it's because you didn't do something that you really wanted to do. In a parallel universe, you did it and your life has splintered off from the aftermath. It might've gone badly or it might've gone really great but at least you did it. It’s a shame we can’t look in on our parallel selves sometimes and see how they’re getting on and how different they are to us. We could see what the result was to something we agonised over doing but then never had the courage to do. To echo Becca's words, “Somewhere out there I’m having a good time.”

I like the way the film was done with no overly dramatic scenes; it’s more about how their loss affects their lives in little ways, forcing them to face up to who they are now and what it means for them.

7/10

Day 18: Beaches

Absolutely didn’t want to watch a film today but I did anyway because apparently I’ve decided to finally commit to something, and that something is this nonsense. So in order to get through it, I went with another of my favourite films. And if you roll your eyes and say it’s a “chick flick” I will go through you. Any film I can painfully sob my way through is a film I like, so clearly this one is perfect.

CC (Bette Midler) and Hillary (Barbara Hershey) meet when they are 11 years old and they spend about all of one hour together but become instant friends. Hillary has to go back to San Francisco but the pair decide to write to each other. They go through marriages and divorces and success and illness together, with a few minor hiccups along the way.

As soon as CC hears that Hillary has taken a turn for the worse she immediately leaves her big concert behind and tries to fly from LA to San Francisco but there aren’t any planes leaving immediately so she drives the entire way. This is straight away in the film and I already start crying. Their friendship is just too much for me, it gets me all emotional. During the drive there, CC remembers the times they spent together.

My favourite thing is that they only knew each other for an hour or so and yet they wrote to each other constantly for years. I’m always impressed by that, considering I can’t keep in touch with anyone. I’ve tried to think about why I do that and I think it’s because once someone leaves they can see your friendship from a new perspective and see it’s maybe not as great as they originally thought; not really worth keeping in touch for, y'know. Better to lose touch with someone than for them to realise I’m more than a bit rubbish, right?

I think I’ll quote from my favourite scene because I can’t talk about this film, it’s too sad.

CC: “You and your damned letters. You know every time I opened one of them I was happy before I even read it. Just to get them made me feel important. All your crappy stories, your big dreams!”

Hillary: “I didn’t know that.”

CC: “Well, what the hell did you know? Did you know how bad things were for me? Did you know my career was in the toilet? No, because you never answered one of my letters. If you’d only answered one, just one! Tell me what a jerk I was, anything!”

Hillary: “I don’t know how to fight back. I’m not strong like you.”

CC: “You took away your friendship without even discussing it with me. That friendship was more important to me than anything. I trusted it. I believed in it. But you didn’t. And now it’s gone. Thank you very, very much for forgiving me… but I don’t forgive you.”

10/10

Day 17: Annie Hall

Today I needed to break out one of my favourite films. I don’t really like to admit to my love of Woody Allen films because well, he married his daughter, y’know? It’s difficult to separate that knowledge from the films themselves but I loved this one before I knew about any of that so it’s ok. Totally justified.

Terminal complainer, Alvy (Woody Allen), falls in love with the adorable Annie Hall (Diane Keaton). We’re given glimpses into the time they spend together and you get a general feel to their relationship. They seem an unlikely couple but they work well together all the same. I like that they almost instantly bond; they’re playing tennis then he goes back to her apartment and they’re getting to know each other then he goes to watch her sing and that’s it, the relationship is set. When they have left the club after she sings, I love that he stops her and just says “Hey listen, listen, give me a kiss.” so they can avoid the inevitable awkwardness later in the night. They just kiss and get it over with so they can continue enjoying being around each other without that looming over them.

Diane Keaton is wonderful here. The way she goes “Hi… Hi… Hi… Well… Bye.” is just great. Spot on awkwardness, I love it. She’s so awkward and nervous you can’t help but instantly be drawn to her. I always find myself giggling when she’s on the screen because I just pick up her energy. I’m always drawn to people who seem to just be overflowing with energy and Diane Keaton is no exception. I can tell I'd already be half in love with her if I was Woody Allen here.

Alvy tries to get Annie to read books that give an insight into who he is and while she complains that he thinks she's not smart enough for him, I think that doesn't really factor into what's doing there. When you enter into a relationship with another person (friend or otherwise), you're getting a crash course in who this person actually is and what's important to them. It makes sense to give this new person in your life films and books and music that reflects who you are so they can more easily understand you. If someone was to take a crash course in who I am, I think I'd recommend a variety of things that would help; Frightened Rabbit songs, 'American Gods' by Neil Gaiman, 'Deathless' by Catherynne M. Valente, etc. There'd be a whole host of things, really. I'd love it if, when I met a new person, they just sat me down and said "This is what you need to read/watch/listen to in order to even grasp a little of who I am." There's only so much talking you can do, sometimes you need to immerse yourself in the things they enjoy.

These are the kind of romantic comedy type films I like; where the couple doesn’t end up together but they learn something along the way.

9/10

3 Books

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

For some reason I was convinced I wasn’t going to like this book. But I ended up rather enjoying it. I’m sure everyone knows what it’s about but I’ll just write about it anyway.

Gatsby loves Daisy and has done for years but he didn’t get his chance to be with her before. He knew in order to get her he had to have money so he built his way up from nothing, moved closer to her and spent his time throwing extravagant parties in order to get her attention, in the hope that she would come by and their love would be rekindled. The illusion of Daisy that Gatsby has lived with is perhaps bigger than the reality of his love for Daisy herself; much like anything, your imagination is usually greater than the real thing. However, he is true to his plan and wants her to leave her husband to be with him. She knows she can’t although she most likely wants to (or did at one point). Then out of nowhere there’s an accidental death then a murder. Maybe not completely out of nowhere, I’m sure the murder was alluded to before but I was still surprised.

8/10

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Guards! Guards! by Terry Pratchett

I love the Discworld novels so much. They are so easy to read, they’re funny and the stories are always interesting. This one involved dragons, a man re-discovering his duty and love for his city, reawakened courage, and a little bit of awkward romance. What more could you want from a book?

8/10

~

Self-Help by Lorrie Moore

This is a collection of 9 short stories, all of which are concerned with the relationships between parents and their children, and the relationships between couples. Each of them, although they contained a twist of humour, were all quite sad. You have divorces, mental illness, adultery, suicides all packed into a small amount of writing. They presented a rather bleak snapshot into lives you don’t usually get to see much of because people try to hide what’s really happening.

 I’m not sure if I can pick a favourite out of the 9, actually, since they were all so great. No, I think I loved ‘How’ the most. She is unhappy in her relationship to perhaps the clingiest man ever. He reads everything she reads, listens to everything she listens to, wants to do everything she is doing. It seemed like she felt smothered by his love for her and she wants to leave him but he is ill and puts it off.

“Pace around in the kitchen and say that you are unhappy.

But I love you, he will say in his soft, bewildered way, stirring the spaghetti sauce but not you, staring into the pan as if waiting for something, a magic fish, to rise from it and say: That is always enough, why is that not always enough?”

9/10

Day 16: Mrs Henderson Presents

I decided that since my blogs were become more and more mopey I should perhaps watch something light, to brighten my mood. Which led me to this film but obviously I didn’t read what it was about and it turned out to not be as light as I had imagined. Mrs Henderson (Dame Judi Dench) loses her husband and decides that in order to avoid boredom she will buy a theatre. She does exactly that and with Vivian Van Damm’s (Bob Hoskins) help her theatre becomes a hit. In order to draw in the crowds she proposes that the women are naked through the shows. This obviously works and her shows are a constant sell-out. This happens with the Blitz occurring which adds quite a sombre note to it all.

As I said, I was looking for a light film that wouldn’t require much thought. The film opened on a funeral, however, so I clearly made a mistake. The funeral was closely followed by Judi Dench sobbing on a boat in the middle of a river. She is quite the actress, the minute her voice cracks at different points in the film I just burst into tears. And I don’t use the word often enough but she was perfectly feisty almost the entire way through.

I don’t have too much to say about the film itself. It did manage to stay quite light-hearted despite what was happening around them and that was great. I would say though, I was not quite ready to see Bob Hoskins’ penis. It just completely took me by surprise and I feel I should warn you, if you choose to watch it.

7/10

Day 15: Beginners

Oliver (Ewan McGregor) appears to always be discontent with life but the pain is heightened when his father, Hal (Christopher Plummer) dies. After his mother died, Hal came out and spent his time actively involved in the LGBT community. But he had cancer and spent the last few years of his life with Oliver. When he’s told that he’s going to be dying you can see that he’s crestfallen; he finally gets to live the life he wants but it’s not going to be for long and rather than let it depress him he decides to pack in as much as he can.

A couple of months after Hal dies, Oliver goes to a party and meets Anna (Melanie Laurent). You can tell that this is the first time in a long time he has connected with another person and he looks so hopeful that he'll find a happiness with her. His dog, Arthur, is also there and has this to say about it:

She can’t talk because she has laryngitis so when she phones him after he leaves the party she communicates with beeps. I mean, if that’s not the cutest thing then I just don’t know what is. They drive around and enjoy being with each other. She takes him back to her place and they just sleep. It all seems so easy despite the fact he’s obviously very sad. I always wonder how sad people have relationships because it seems like such a difficult thing. I find it so hard to communicate my sadness to people and I think it’s gotten to the point where I’ve just given up trying. If I can’t get it across then how can I expect people to understand?

Anna holds Oliver when he’s sad and needs to be held. Which is wonderful. It’s like in that film ‘Waitress’ when she’s talking to her child saying she wishes someone would just hold them for 20 minutes with absolutely no agenda. Sometimes people just need to be held, they don’t need you to say anything comforting or try and cheer them up.

They talk about how Anna can keep relationships going since she is always moving around so much. She says it makes it easy to leave people and end up alone. Oliver says that you can stay in the same place and still find ways to leave people. He does this often, just pushes people away because he’s convinced it won’t work out and so he makes sure that it doesn’t. It seems I relate massively with Oliver, which is such a cliché but it’s true. I can’t help but focus on the fact that everyone leaves eventually, so I try to avoid investing time and emotions in them because I’ll be in pain later. But that’s a terrible reason and I am aware of that.

Hal:  Let’s say, since you were little and you always dreamed of some day getting a lion? And you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait and the lion doesn’t come. Then along comes a giraffe. You can be alone or you can be with the giraffe.

Oliver:  I’d wait for the lion.

Hal:  That’s why I worry about you.

I always forget how much I love this film. It’s so sad and so great.

9/10

Day 14: Labyrinth

Stroppy teenager Sarah (Jennifer Connelly) doesn’t want to look after her screaming baby brother so she wishes the Goblin King (David Bowie) would come and take him away.

I’ve never watched David Bowie sing before but does he always look massively awkward? When he was singing the Magic Dance song he looked so uncomfortable. Jennifer Connelly was great. I’m not sure if I usually like her but she was good in this role.

The imagination is such an important thing and I love that it was given significance in the film. People discount imagination so often, telling you to “be realistic” but I think it’s crucial to understanding things. In order to find the courage to do things you’ve got to dream about doing them and all the things that could happen as a result. Sarah wanted her brother to be gone and dreamed of goblins taking him away, thinking she’d get what she wanted as a result but she didn’t. It helped her realise what is important and not to take things for granted. If you do then you miss out on so much.

I was a little confused as to why the Goblin King was in love with Sarah but I think it makes sense now. Perhaps it was her determination to make it through the labyrinth despite all the terrible things that happened to her. For someone so young she was so strong and never gave up. I think it’s really amazing when people do that. They have the worst time and can work through it and come out the other side. Those are the best people, I usually find. And the ones to take notes from. Sarah always saw the best in the dwarf even when she knew he was trying to get rid of her. She was prepared to give him a second chance because they were friends. I don’t think I’m that good with giving people second chances, in fact if someone does something that I think is wrong I usually just strike them out of my life. Which sounds a bit dramatic but is less so in reality. Humans aren’t perfect things so I should understand that people mess up from time to time but I am so unforgiving that I find it difficult to know that when it’s happening. I liked that she forgave him though since he was clearly deserving of it.

Thoroughly enjoyed the film. Will have to watch it again though as I was a bit distracted during it today. All the puppets were brilliant and the songs were great too.

8/10

Day 13: About A Boy

Will (Hugh Grant) has a fairly hassle free life; he doesn’t work or have anyone dependent on him so he lives off the money his father made and just does what he wants with his time. But then he meets Marcus (Nicholas Hoult) and it forces him to re-evaluate his life.

I’m not a big fan of the whole ‘if you don’t have a family you’re hopeless’ thing. Having people who depend on you doesn’t make you into this rich tapestry of a person. You’re just someone who has to do things for other people now, not just yourself. And I realise that could bring with it some good alterations in values and whatnot but it still doesn’t gel with me. All through the film Will is berated for not having a family or even a long term relationship because it somehow makes him less of a person. Having relationships with people (in any context) doesn’t raise you above those who are content to not invest their time and emotions in others. It constantly crops up in the film that nothing he does “means anything” because of how he chooses to live his life. So ridiculous! Why does having people in your life make it mean anything? If your worth as a human being is summed up in the relationships you have with other people then that just makes me sad. Apparently you can’t be great and worthwhile all on your own, you have to involve others otherwise it doesn’t mean anything. You’ve got to be comfortable alone before you can be comfortable with others, I’ve always thought.

Another thing that bothers me is the association between not working and doing nothing with your life. Having a job does not make you better than those who do not (voluntarily or not). Your worth as a person is not reflected in your job. Christ, most people hate their jobs. I hate that when you meet a new person one of the first things they ask is “What do you do?” What I do to make money has no bearing on me as a person. I wish people would ask things that meant something; what are you scared of? What makes you laugh like crazy? What gets you through the day? What you do to make money is so low down on the list of things I want to know about you that it’s not even worth bothering with. In the film as soon as people hear Will “does nothing” then they make completely unnecessary judgements; one calls him “a blank”. Yes, he doesn’t work so it’s not worth knowing him. No wonder the unemployed feel dehumanised.

Despite all this I do enjoy the film. I quite like Hugh Grant, for reasons that aren’t completely clear to me. Toni Collette is wonderful always. I forgot Rachel Weisz was in this film but what a wonderful surprise, she is fantastic too. Good film.

7/10

Day 12: Melancholia

A planet called Melancholia is approaching Earth. Scientists believe it’s going to pass right by without doing any damage but scientists can be wrong sometimes.

During the first 8 minutes of this film all I could think was “Uuuuggh I’ve stumbled upon a dreadful art student’s film.” You’ve got a woman running in slow motion, carrying a child, across a golf course, a beautiful shot of a horse lying down, a bride being attacked by what I thought were branches but turned out to be yarn (easy mistake…). All in slow motion. Pretty sure they could’ve done away with the first 8 minutes. It immediately put me on my guard thinking the film was going to be horrendous when in actual fact, it was not.

We’re treated to the wedding reception of Justine (Kirsten Dunst) and Michael (Alexander Skarsgård). The party paid for and organised by her sister, Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg) and John (Kiefer Sutherland), who don’t let them forget it. Throughout the lavish affair Justine is not happy. It’s clear she has been like this for a long time but it seems to be amplified here. Perhaps because everyone expects her to be happy and isn’t accepting of how she feels. Just because you throw money at something and make it into a massive event doesn’t mean it will make someone happy. Michael leaves Justine because apparently he can’t deal with how she is despite the fact they were obviously in a relationship longer than one night so he would know how she acts. While I can understand the frustration that what you intended failed, I’m siding with Justine here. They all know that this is how she is so to expect her to behave differently just because they put in some effort is selfish.

Claire has clearly been the perfect hostess all her life and she does seem quite the natural. But with the planet looming closer she begins to unravel. The end of the world isn’t something you can manage away, it is real and she finds it terrifying. Her role in the film was the more interesting for me because it followed her descent from perfect hostess to frightened human. Life is going to end and she doesn’t know how to handle it. Her husband tries to reassure her that the planet will pass right on by and it’ll be beautiful and yet she never feels quite at ease. Her fears are confirmed when she finds him dead; he realised what was really going to happen and he killed himself. I thought he was a coward and I’ve never thought someone who killed themselves was a coward before so it was a surprising moment for me.

The film has made me think what I would do if I knew the world was going to end. Would I spend it with anyone? Would I do anything special? And you know, I don’t think I would spend it with anyone. I would try to get to a really tall building and I would watch the world end and I would do it alone. I wouldn’t call anyone to tell them I love them because what would be the point, really? If we are all going to die at the same moment, what does it matter? I can’t take that information with me anywhere (I don’t believe in an afterlife) so it just seems to be a waste. Especially since it would most likely not be sincere; of course you’ll tell people you love them, you’re hardly likely to tell them you’ve hated them all the time you’ve known them. I imagine people will be frantically telling others that they loved them. I love you. I love you? Those are just words. Love is shown through actions and you don’t have time to do anything now because the world is going to end. If you really loved them you would’ve shown them before now.

The world might not end for each of us at the exact same time but when you die, the world has ended for you. And we are all going to die. We forget it, put it off but it is definitely going to happen. If you love someone, why not let them know now? That way you can put your love into action and then it will mean something. Words, at the end of the day, are not enough. Do.

8/10

Day 11: Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Follows Hedwig (John Cameron Mitchell), a trans lady through her transition and her travels from East Berlin to America with music. She is forced to sing in tiny bars and diners because her songs had been stolen by a boy she had been in a relationship with.

I don’t have time to write about anything because it’s almost midnight and I want to have this up before then. The story was well done. I liked the use of music to explain rather than just flashbacks alone. It was this video that led me to buy the film and I just think it’s great.

The Origin of Love

 I rushed home to watch this so that I wouldn’t miss a day and I’m glad I did because the film was great.

8/10

A Play and a Book

Richard III by William Shakespeare

Now, I went into this knowing that I am not Shakespeare's biggest fan. I thought maybe that was just my reaction to reading his plays in school so I'm trying again to make sure. My problem with them is that they're tediously dramatic. However, I realise they are plays so that's the point, thereby making my problem with them pointless. But the problem still stands.

I didn't realise Richard III was such a bastard. Just killing people all over the place and making his nephews out to be legitimate so they couldn't be king, then (potentially) having them killed. Madness. I quite liked his run-ins with the women who were cursing him. In order to try and accept my problem with the plays I was reading out loud really dramatically so it made those scenes all the more amusing.

This one wasn't too bad, actually. And I learned a bit about Richard III. Learning is always fun.

5/10

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Sister by Rosamund Lupton

I definitely judged this book by it's cover; it looks like a book you'd find in Tesco, if you catch my drift. And perhaps the story was perfect for one of those books; adultery, missing sisters, sick babies, murder. However, the way the story was told was well done and the story itself was very interesting. I'm going to go all cliche here but I was definitely hooked pretty much from start to finish. I muttered often "Come on, what happens next!" which is a good sign for a book that is setting out to draw you in.

The narrator is suspicious of everyone and by about half way through I was suspicious of everyone too. You believe the pain she's in, trying to find the truth despite everyone working against her. I cried plenty while reading it and I'd probably recommend it for others to read themselves. I'm glad I ignored my first impression and read anyway.

7/10

Day 10: The Producers

Leo (Gene Wilder), a hysterical accountant, visits a down on his luck producer, Max (Zero Mostel). They decided to swindle money out of old ladies in order to fund their Broadway flop ‘Springtime for Hitler’. However, people end up loving it so their only choice was to… blow up the theatre? Why not, why not.

I’m not sure I liked it, to be quite honest with you. Gene Wilder was fantastic, as always. I love him hysterical because it means he shouts and that’s always the best Gene Wilder. But the film itself I’m not too sure on. The opening song for the play was great and I laughed the whole way through but I’d say that was the high point of the whole thing. It just wasn’t as great as I was expecting and that always disappoints me. It was ok in places but I’d be hard pressed to remember when they were.

Also, terrible hair, Mr Mostel. I think you beat out Donald Trump for worst hair. Achievement of the century. Truly terrible, I salute you.

6/10

Day 9: Shame

Brandon (Michael Fassbender) is a successful worker bee with a nice apartment. His life must be ideal, right? Nothing is ever that easy, come on now. He suffers (and he does genuinely seem to be suffering) from sex addiction which is threatening to tear down everything he has built for himself. And to make matters worse his sister Sissy (Carey Mulligan) comes to stay with him. She is her own bundle of problems, so the two together do not exactly help each other.

The film follows Brandon’s gradual deterioration which seems to be somewhat influenced by the presence of his sister. They seem to have an odd relationship and you get from the way they are with each other that they didn’t grow up well together. She is depressed and appears to be very dependent on other people, while he has attempted to shut himself off from others mainly in order to deal with his addiction. The two obviously don’t mix well and it creates unbearable pressure on them both, in different ways. Brandon throws out all his porn (so much porn, just so much) in what seems to be a quit-cold-turkey move but it obviously doesn’t work and he goes in search of sex. Unable to get into another bar he heads across to what I can only describe as a loads-of-white-guys-having-sex bar and he is ‘pleasured’ (and I say it like that because he doesn't seem to enjoy the encounter so much as he needs it to get through) by a gentleman there. Then he heads off for a massive shagathon with two women (which he also does not seem to enjoy) before returning home. Sissy is hurt by Brandon’s words (calling her a burden and a weight on him). She clearly wants a connection with her brother but he’s not in any state to give it to her and she doesn’t appear to have anyone. This all culminates in her attempting suicide in his apartment. He finds her, gets her to the hospital and she survives.

From start to finish the film is depressing. I’d never really considered sex addiction before but it seems brutal and not to be laughed at. What I quite liked was that there was no hopeful message at all in the film, no ‘it gets better’ moment. Quite often filmmakers tack on a "but it's ok, they got sorted eventually" but that didn't happen here. It’s an interesting and honest portrayal of two people who are having the worst time in their lives, which I think makes it more true to life than some films. You don’t get the feeling that either of them will really be ok and that’s how life is for a lot of people. Not everyone comes through the negative, sometimes people just live within it. Or they get out.

“We’re not bad people. We just come from a bad place.”

8/10

Day 8: Heathers

The whole film is basically quote gold. It’s your typical teenage angst bullshit but with more murder-made-to-look-like-suicides. The acting is just awful. Does Christian Slater always sound like that? I forgot Winona Ryder was basically the female Keanu Reeves. But Christ, none of that matters because despite the acting being terrible, the film was enjoyable. I have absolutely nothing to say about the film itself, I just want to put my favourite quotes here because they make the whole thing.

"I don't patronise bunny rabbits."

"Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make."

7/10

'To The Lighthouse' by Virginia Woolf

There aren’t enough simple stories that focus less on dramatic storylines and more on the characters and their relationships with each other. Most of the time I much prefer the simple stories over the ones packed with action and drama, this was one of those times. Woolf manages to keep the story from falling into drudgery through her wonderful descriptions of her characters. Despite there being quite a few of them, each are developed so you have an overall sense of who they are and you can form your own opinions of them.

Her constant mentions of water really brought the story alive. Waves are like fire to me; both hypnotise and draw me in. None of it seemed forced or overreaching; it was all perfectly natural to the story.

The repetitions of “we perished, each alone” were timed perfectly. The words were more moving every time I read them until each time I saw them I had to stop reading for a minute or two to collect myself. Which seems a bit of a dramatic reaction to four words but they were so well done within the story.

Would read many times.

9/10

Day 7: XXY

Alex’s (Inés Efron) mother invites a couple and their son to her home in Uruguay. The father is a surgeon and the reason for their visit is so he can meet with Alex in order to decide upon an operation that will alter Alex’s genitals. I’m confused about the title of the film as XXY is associated with Klinefelter syndrome, while what Alex appears to be (given frequent descriptions of “having both”) is intersex. Although I am woefully uneducated about both Klinefelter syndrome and intersexuality so I wouldn’t put any stock in my confusion. It’s not an important point though as the story is less about technicalities and more about relationships.

Kraken (Ricardo Darin), Alex’s father, is hostile towards the surgeon because his presence is unsettling for Alex and he says he has always seen his child as “perfect”. There seems to be problems brewing between Kraken and Suli (Valeria Bertuccelli), Alex’s mother; Kraken wants Alex to have complete control over what might happen, while Suli seems to be pushing for a determining surgery. When Alex was born the doctors wanted to operate right away but Kraken wanted to wait until Alex could choose. At 15 that time seems to be approaching. In order to understand whether he made the right choice in waiting he visits a man who had similar experiences. He says that his first memories were of operations where doctors castrated him, giving Kraken hope that he made the right choice. Alluding to what he must have gone through he tells Kraken, “Making her afraid of her own body is the worst thing you can do to your child.” It’s important to be accepting and not teach her to fear the differences in her body from others she may come across.

Alex and Alvaro (the surgeon’s son) form a relationship during his stay. In most films the sexual relationship between the two would be pulled apart in order to be labelled (gay, straight, etc) but here it’s not given the same treatment. The importance isn’t placed on the genitals or gender of either but on the connection the two share. Alvaro’s father is distant and cold toward him so this connection is significant for him but Alex is highly emotional because of the pressure put upon her so their time together is tense. Alvaro and his parents leave when it's clear Alex does not want the surgery. People in her town are slowly finding out about her but she doesn't care, she is accepting of who she is and she has the support of her family behind her.

The story itself was an interesting one and the acting was great. Pacing was a tad on the slow side (but I realise it wouldn't have worked otherwise so that's a minor issue) and I probably wouldn't watch it again but I still enjoyed it.

8/10

Day 6: Tyrannosaur

During the film I was trying to take notes but the only thing I managed to write down was “This is just killing me.” It was absolutely slaying me. I was painfully sobbing for the majority of the film. It’s just relentless in its attack on your mind and emotions, pulling no punches. I feel exhausted and I can’t stop crying. It’s just fiction, right? Sure, yeah.

The film focuses on the relationship forged between Joseph, a widower (Peter Mullan) with rage issues and Hannah, a charity shop worker (Olivia Colman) who is abused by her husband. Joseph is lost and resorts to violence at the slightest opportunity but sees in Hannah the opportunity for change. That is until he realises that she has a horrific home life (the first we see of it is her husband urinating on her as she pretends to be asleep) and so is not the perfect thing he think will help him. Despite having trouble coping with helping her after being alone for so long he makes her feel safe which must’ve seemed impossible to her not too long ago. However, it is not for long as she is taken away and Joseph is left to deteriorate further. It all culminates when his friend, a local kid, gets attacked by a dog. Joseph “goes native” as he puts it, cuts the dogs head off and sits with it in his lap in front of the owner. After spending time in prison for it he is making a change and appears to be doing better. He visits Hannah and you can see that despite their circumstances they are much better off than they were before.

Throughout the film, Joseph blows up at the slightest provocation but right after it you can see he deeply regrets it. It’s nigh on impossible to escape destructive habits once they're so deeply embedded in your everyday life and you think you’re “not a nice human being.” You’re not a bad person, Joseph. You have done bad things but that doesn’t make you a bad person. I think, right where it matters, you’re a good person. You’re a good person. You are a good person.

10/10

Day 5: Breakfast On Pluto

The film today centres on Patricia ‘Kitten’ Braden (Cillian Murphy), a young trans lady searching for her mother against the backdrop of Irish turmoil. Abandoned as a baby at the priest’s (Liam Neeson) door, the priest sees to it that the child has a home. But in that home she’s rejected because of who she is and so she leaves for London to find her mother. Not particularly easy when all you have to go on are a name and the memory of someone saying she looks like Mitzi Gaynor. The majority of the men she meets along the way are awful and exploitative but some (like the womble Brendan Gleeson, the police officer, or the philosophical bikers) try to help. While the conflict in Ireland isn’t given the heaviest of attention it is used well throughout and couples well with the main story.

After being screamed at by an angry prostitute, Kitten jumps in the car of a seemingly well-meaning man. They chat about what she’s doing and she says she’s looking for her mother, the Phantom Lady. She calls her that so the whole thing sounds like a story that’s happening to someone else. Why? “Because otherwise I might cry and never stop.” The whole film Kitten has this attitude that shouts that she doesn’t care because she’s going to be who she’s going to be and she’s happy with that. But at the heart of it is someone who is desperately lonely and really wants their Mum. She’s constantly rejected, but the first ever to reject her was her mother. And she wants so much to see her perhaps to know she wouldn’t be rejected now, had her mother known the woman she’d become. Despite always making sure her identity is clear, she hides behind a fake name in order to meet her and never once admits to who she is. The encounter isn’t long but she comes away finally meeting the person who gave her up. She is married and has children so to all intents and purposes she appears to have moved on past the birth of her first child. Kitten knows who her father is, however, and knows he tried his hardest to help her so she returns to him. In the face of adversity given who Kitten is, her father doesn’t let it bother him even when he loses his home as a result. He stuck with her when her mother could not and so she’s given up the dream of the Phantom Lady for the reality of the person who stayed.

I still never understand those who react negatively to others (be they trans, queer, etc.). Why is it so difficult to accept the person before you as they present themselves? Why must you demand they be different? The common consensus is fear, the type caused by not understanding. I guess that makes sense. Someone told me today that God has a higher plan for all of us and that he loves everyone unconditionally. Now I just don’t believe that for a second. What is his plan for all this hate and violence? All the bloodshed caused by a lack of unconditional love from his very own followers? Where there are people, there is hate. They just can’t help themselves when it comes to being truly awful to others and I really hope we can somehow escape from it. But I don’t see it happening soon.

Really enjoyed the film despite having very little to say about it. Would watch many times.

8/10

'Vernon God Little' by D.B.C. Pierre

I’ve never worked so hard at staying with a book before. The first third of the book I found to be deathly dull and it was just so difficult to rally the motivation needed to keep reading. But then I remembered I never ever give up on a book. Once I pick it up nothing will convince me to put it aside. And, as luck would have it, I’m glad I stuck with it because once you power through that first third then it gets less painful and more interesting. Gradually but still, it gets a bit better. There will be spoilers, just letting you know now.

The main character, Vernon, is a survivor of a school shooting carried out by his only friend. However, he’s immediately treated as a scapegoat since the shooter then shot himself after killing his classmates. The only friend of this disturbed individual? Must’ve been disturbed himself! Where was he exactly during the shooting? Ambiguous answers, must be guilty! The way the events snowball epically out of proportion leaves you seriously doubting the justice system. It’s first believed he had some hand in the shooting, then that he killed a police officer, then that he went on the run and killed almost 20 more people during that time. It all becomes the most horrendous circus with no conceivable escape for him. He ends up captured in Mexico and trailed through a ridiculous trial (Only yes or no answers! Despite the fact a yes or no answer doesn’t actually answer the sodding question, stupid lawyer) and eventually chucked onto Death Row.

Now, how the trial actually managed to go ahead without finding him innocent at the end of it mystifies me. It says they had a whole host of experts, so where was the one examining bullet trajectory and bloody spatter and gunshot residue and all that jazz? Surely they could’ve sorted it out no problem and found Vernon innocent had they focused on evidence rather than rumour and conjecture? But I’m no expert myself so perhaps they did all that and it was artfully explained without making me aware of it. And when they were out searching the Keeter lot for the gun, surely they’d have found the den? Or the shitty paper that solved the whole thing? No? Right. We’ll just gloss right over that then. And what about the bullet wounds in the officer? Traced back to the gun registered to Vernon’s Dad, were they? No mention of that either. I’d call them plotholes but maybe I was just not paying attention. So we’ll just leave those alone, I guess. I’m not gonna deal with them if the author didn’t.

While yes, he gets mercilessly dragged through the mud and he is seconds away from death I do not agree with the assertion that he is a ‘hero’. At one point in the book in order to scrounge some money together he talks a troubled child into going to the house of a known paedophile so that he can do what he wants to her for money. He tells her before they get there that it’s just touching “nothing heavy” but then after he’s got his money he’s happy to leave her so the paedophile can do what he wants. I’ve never really had the urge to throw a book at a wall before but Christ if I wasn’t tempted there. He is not a hero, I don’t care that he’s wanted for murder, nothing excuses you from that choice right there. The whole thing gets glossed over pretty quickly and is never mentioned in the book again and I’ve not seen anyone mention it in their reviews (the few I read anyway). Child abuse is a recurrent theme in the book with both the Psychologist and the teacher involved in separate instances with the same children. None of it was really fleshed out spectacularly well for my liking though so I don’t have much to say about it. Other than that I’m still disgusted by the supposed hero’s actions and for the remainder of the book I didn’t care what happened to him on an emotional level, I was purely reading just as interest as to what happened next.

I didn’t connect with or like any of the characters in the whole book, come to think of it. Vernon’s mother and her friends all seemed like gross vultures and their behaviour never really made sense. They came across as the type of people who would latch onto a tragedy and milk it for all it was worth but they make little mention of the shooting. It could be explained that they were being sensitive to Vernon but I highly doubt it considering how quick they were to throw him under a bus the second a camera was trained on them. I get that I was supposed to care about the mother figure but I just couldn’t quite get there. In fact, probably the only characters I would’ve been interested in learning more about were Ella (the girl Vernon handed to the paedophile) and the shooter himself. He was bullied for being Mexican, bullied for being gay, abused by a Psychologist and his teacher? His story would’ve been far more engaging than that of Vernon or any of the cackling hags in the town.

Vernon is continually compared with Holden Caulfield of ‘The Catcher In The Rye’ in reviews, which could go some way in explaining my intense dislike of the character as I’m not a fan of Caulfield either. Boys who go around grumbling about the state of things and making observations about the way life is aren’t prophets. I don’t get the love for either of the characters. So, they make some good observations, so do quite a lot of people really. I know we all like to think we’re special snowflakes who understand the real world and not the system we’re expected to buy into but let’s be serious, we all understand the real world we just don’t know how to exist within it without the bullshit provided by the system. Can we just all get over ourselves, thank you.

Didn’t really like it all that much but it did get a lot better as the book wore on. So I’d say stick with it if you’re finding it as tedious as I was in the first section because it does pick up.

5/10

Day 4: My Own Private Idaho

Colour me conflicted. Did I like this film? Did I think it was a bit… disappointing? I think I’m going to have to settle on the latter but only because I had such high expectations. Always a bad thing, better to go in with no feelings. I found myself saying “What am I watching…?” occasionally throughout. Never really a good sign but I would watch it again to give it another try, I think.

The film follows Mike (River Phoenix), a narcoleptic male prostitute, as he meanders from person to place to person apparently free of all ties. He keeps coming back to the same road, he says it’s his road, and you feel like he will never escape the world he has entered. He is part of a larger group of homeless young people who steal and make their money as best they can. Scott (Keanu Reeves) is a rich kid who has been with the group for years and also dabbles in prostitution. They partner up and go from place to place, eventually searching for Mike’s mother who he is desperate to be reunited with. It’s obvious his family life was less than ideal and he wishes it had been normal so he could’ve been “well-adjusted”. But as Scott rightly chimes in, what is normal? What’s well-adjusted? You can have a mother and father (and a dog) and still end up outside the ‘norm’. It’s impossible to control for it and I bet if you were to really ask people, you’d find nobody was well-adjusted. Nobody is normal. Normal is a myth perpetuated to keep us down and make us feel worthless, constantly striving for an ideal that just does not exist.

I’ve never seen a film starring River Phoenix before but he definitely made an impression. He just embodied Mike. At no point did his behaviour seem forced or unrealistic, you believed in what he was doing and how he was acting. The dialogue though… Apparently the film is loosely based around Shakespeare’s Henry IV Part 1 & 2 which makes a lot of sense. The way the characters talk at certain points feel like they’re on a stage being tediously over-dramatic. I really could’ve done without that as it actually made me uncomfortable. Just because it was so clunky and awkward (much like my sentence structure, ha). Although one good point for that aspect is that it worked perfectly for Keanu Reeves. His talents work in highly specialised circumstances, which is to say they work when his line delivery is meant to sound awkward. I want so much to like Keanu Reeves but outside of Constantine (which I like despite my better judgment) he is just so wooden. Which isn’t a new criticism, and one that seems to have no bearing on his ability to get work. His character is a bit of an arse in this (outside of his caring for Mike) and his behaviour seems to detract from the actual problems and struggles experienced by the other characters. I’m not saying all rich kids don’t have their own problems, they absolutely do, but his doing-this-to-upset-daddy routine just doesn’t sit well with me. These guys were doing it to survive while he was doing it for what seemed like a joke, mainly. He wants to prove his father wrong and show him he can turn it all around when it matters. So he marries a woman and inherits a ton of money then tosses aside those men he was close with for years. Going so far as to drive past Mike as he’s passed out at the side of the road! No excuse for ditching your friends like that. You want a clean slate, a new start, but you integrated yourself in their world – especially Mike’s – it’s cruel to so quickly dissociate yourself from them when it suits.

This scene here when he confesses his love to Scott felt like a pivotal moment for Mike. He can’t find his mother, his brother turns out to be his father (maybe?), he moves from place to place making no real connections. Except for Scott. Scott cares for him when he has his narcoleptic episodes repeatedly throughout the film and they spend time together, just being together and experiencing the world with each other. And Mike loves Scott. It’s not a demanding love, he isn’t insisting that Scott feel the same. He just loves him and shares that with him. He just seems so simple and pure at heart that you can’t help but feel for him the whole way through. Great scene. I think possibly my favourite, mainly because it was a concrete situation while the rest of the film had a dreamy air to it. That’s not to say it’s bad but if I’m going to do dreamy I need an anchor and that scene ‘round the fire is it for me. What I find interesting about Scott here is when he says “I'll only have sex with a guy for money” - out of all the people in this film, he doesn’t need the money. Perhaps taking money for the sex he has with men is his way of rationalising taking part in it. Maybe he enjoys it but doesn’t want to because, as he quickly follows up, “Two guys can’t love each other.” Taking money for it makes it seem more about business and less about a reflection on his nature. Ultimately, Mike is alone in his feelings and after Scott takes off to play rich kid again, he is alone completely. Back in the endless cycle of person and place and person.

I’d watch the film again, if only to confirm my feelings on it as a whole. And to love Mike just that little bit more.

6.5/10